Overdose

Every other message that comes along.. 'Are you ok?' 'I hope everything's ok?' 'Please be strong'.

Maybe it's really not Dot to feel down, maybe Dot does not have that privilege.

This post to all you who bothered, to all you who cared, to all you I love, to all you I appreciate.

True fact that I appear happy, that I am blessed. But all my beloved, I am but just human, and it's only natural that I be on my lows sometimes.

I don't show because I refuse, because I see no need. I rather run from it, not spending time with it.

I could allow free fall with the next sad song on the radio, I could choose agony over life.

Sad a word I use not, just disappointments, just frustrations.

Disappointments build with you off track, that deep down, no matter where, I am but a phase of your transition, I can't help, but feel like a substitution.

No, you say, but I'll let you run for I believe we understand a substitute differently.

I can't bear to say it to you, so I'll turn to my blog, this blog I own, this blog I'm finding myself, this blog I free myself.

I am but an outlet to lift your pain. I am but just someone who diverts your thoughts from your past, but just someone unable to lift you from your past.

I am but a substitute because I have the freedom to be with you but she doesn't. That you can put me in your life, that you can't do the same for both your lifes.

I own a life, I have rights to this life but destiny had me chosen a substitute.

We just happen to hold different definitions, british or american, never you mind. It just happen that your definition appeared non-existent in my world.

Love, a word I have problem understanding. Love, I don't believe totally. Love, I rather not associate with.

So Ms Toh asked if I am being fair, by trying not acknowledge love, by refusing, by living in denial.

Maybe I am, maybe I can't bear to accept, maybe I just don't know how, maybe just when I tried to believe, I had to stumble upon truth that dissapoints, that numbs me.

God, I thought had abandon me. But he's trying to make me see, he made me read, he left me with my decision.

And what decision have I made? Err wait can!

Maybe I do not know what I want, maybe deep down, my bullheaded self is refusing to give up.

I had you to sort your life, I gave you the luxury of time, I don't remember forcing for anything I deem unconceivable but I guess you weren't quite convinced.

Just like you're not quite convinced that I do not cheat.

Is it guilt conscious, or is it that me, her substitute, should have that of the same calibre.

I know you are trying, but don't try too hard, cause you should know I don't like.

I guess love still exists, but pardon me if I don't show, pardon me if I stop saying 'I love you'.